Well it’s been a long time since I blogged.
Things have moved on a little but they don’t seem to get any better. July and early August was quite busy on the work front an I seem to have made enough money to survive another couple of months. If they had been as bad as they were last year the house would have been on the market by now. The wife seems to be a bit better but my occasional, but increasing bad days do still get to here.
I am beginning to feel really ashamed of my inability to get well, particularly as another blogger lost her husband a few weeks ago. She has only blogged a couple of times and hope she is coping, although I suspect that she is having an indescribably bad time at the moment. If you’re reading this my friend, i wish you well and from the deepest reaches of my soul I hope things are getting easier. I wish I was the same side of the Atlantic I could take you for coffee and just let you vent at someone who doesn’t matter. I promised you that this blog would never be cheerful, so hear goes.
I have started my CBT and it did seem to be working when I was busy. But know I feel like I’m imprisoned in my own home and engaging with therapy is a real struggle. I have been given a form to fill in with six columns that describes how I think and feel on the bad days. So far I have made three entries but never managed to get to final column. Describing a balanced view and re-scoring the bad thoughts when you’re in the middle of a panic attack is pretty difficult. If anybody has managed to do this form properly I’d love to hear about your experiences.
The job hunting has taken a turn, butt I’m not sure what to think about it. I have an interview in a couple of weeks for a part time job that would allow me to continue running my business, but I don’t think that is any real solution. What I need is proper job that will occupy 40 hours a week and get me away from the need for total self-reliance on the business front. I’m sure everyone who is self-employed goes through this, but how the hell do they cope with the down time.
I’m really not cut out for self-determination and the lack of support and feedback from work colleagues is the most depressing and stressful thing I have ever experienced. When you start you own business you get one of two views from everyone you speak to. It is either the most stressful and soul-destroying thing you can do or it’s the best thing in the world and anyone can succeed, just so long as they work hard enough. The first is definitely true. The second is poppycock.
I am still plagued with negative thoughts and for the first time in weeks the thoughts of death came back again this week. I friend of my gave me an amazing present this week. He picked me from home, drove me to London, took me to an exhibition, and drove me home again. Doesn’t sound like much, but he must have driven 800 miles and he was on the road 22 hours. A truer friend I couldn’t wish for.
The problem was that this brief respite from illness left me on a real downer. I was pretty depressed as soon as he left and by the morning I was into full blown panic attack. I revealed to him that I was on medication and that I had been seen by a psychiatrist. I also told him that I had had the method of suicide hidden in the wardrobe and that plans were in place to end it all. He is the only non-professional part from my wife who have revealed this too. Just thinking about this disclosure makes me want to cry. They say you have to share to get better, so why does sharing make me feel so crappy. This man stood there without a flicker while I told him this, he just said take your time and waited patiently while I told him and recovered my composure. A true friend indeed. I just wish I could spend more time with him.
Back to the job hunting thing. My daughter decided at very short notice that she wanted to go to university. We managed to sort this out really quickly, and on clearing day. She leaves home in two weeks. I’m really pleased that she’s made this decision and she’s going to do really well. The downside is that I will miss her more than words can describe, but the positive thing is that is will give me a bit of breathing space and the chance to apply for work further afield.
I have decided to try and get a job that entails me moving home. I have also decided that the business is just a means to an end. All I need to do is keep the family afloat until I can get a full time job. I have applied for all sorts of things, including teaching, being a teaching assistant, an admin assistant, a marketing assistant, a van driver, a trainee retail manager and a studio photographer. I think in my heart I want the retail manager job, since this be a complete break from photography and marketing. Turning up for work in the morning for long shift that means I will be busy all day and can forget about work when I get home sounds really attractive. But then I also think who the hell would take on a 50 year old with no retail experience.
Well this post is too long and the wife has come home, so back to being cheerful and getting on with things.